Healing and Growth: An Ideology
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During our lives, we will encounter people, obstacles, or circumstances that break us. They flip our world on its head and chip away at who we once thought we were. At times, our identity may shatter altogether. These events irrevocably change our being and our lives. Often, we seek to undo the pain. We search for the person we were prior to the breaking. It is only with time and a heroic amount of acceptance that we realize there is no way to go back and unpuncture the wound. The break happened, and it changed us. The light we may find in this darkness is that this indelible mark in no way means defeat or failure. It is quite the opposite. We find ourselves at a starting point. We are now tasked with the beautiful journey of finding our scattered pieces and putting them together anew. Although we cannot become who we were before the breaking, we can always grow into something just as worthy, beautiful and at last, whole.
This ideology is based on a theory written by Chicano feminist writer, Gloria Anzaldúa. The story of the Aztec goddess of the moon is where the seed for this ideology took root. According to Aztec legend, there was a goddess named Coyolxauhqui, who sought to overthrow the kingdom. However, her attempts were thwarted by her brother, who flung her body down the “sacred mountain” where it shattered into a thousand pieces. Although Coyolxauhqui lay broken and scattered, she was not subdued. She collected her lost pieces of self and unified them. Knowing the damage was done, Coyolxauhqui decided to evolve into something new, luminescent, and complete in her own right. She became the moon.
A powerful metaphor of healing can be found within this legend. It is this ideology that Anzaldúa named “the Coyolxauhqui Imperative”. “[It] is the act of calling back those pieces of the self/soul that have been dispersed or lost…” (Anzaldúa, Gloria. Luz en lo Oscuro/ Light in the Dark. Duke University Press, 2015. Print.)
Spirit Daughter
I stumbled upon this story serendipitously. I had just gone through one of the biggest breakings of my life. I was left unwhole and terrified. During this time, I had the realization that I had hung my identity on something I could not keep; outside of which, I did not know who I was. I spent a substantial amount of time longing for the person I was prior to the breaking. I thought that if I could just become her again, everything would be okay. It was this story that made me realize there was no going back, the person I had been no longer existed. As painful as that was, it made what I needed to do brilliantly clear. I would grow, I would change, and I would find pieces that made me whole on my own.
I believe self-healing to be one of the most noble, freeing, and necessary pursuits we as humans can take on. To recognize change and revival must first happen on the inside, prior to the outside is perhaps our greatest power; as well as our greatest chance of making lasting transformations in our world. Gloria Anzaldúa described the importance of this process as “a matter of life and death… Dealing with the lack of cohesiveness and stability in life… motivates me to process the struggle… More than that my aspirations towards wholeness maintains my sanity” (Anzaldúa, Gloria. Luz en lo Oscuro/ Light in the Dark. Duke University Press, 2015. Print.). The realization of this autonomy is just the first step, but it is a vital awakening. The second step is the actualization of self-healing; the translation of concept to everyday reality. Which for most, is the hard part. We think of healing as some grandiose goal, an intangible concept too large to view, but worth the dedication of a life’s pursuit. So how do we attain it? How do we begin to chase it when there is no one size fits all strategy, and we are only human?
Some may see being human as the problem. But perhaps it is the solution. Instead of fighting change, growth, and pain, what if we embraced it with arms wide open? What if we let ourselves feel the weight of metamorphosis, and then shake ourselves awake to our new reality? Feel what you need to feel, be human; and then never stop being human. Continue in the pursuit of change, development, and light because isn’t that the essence of existence? We are not meant to stay the same our entire lives, no living creature is. Thus, we must let ourselves blossom into new circumstances, characteristics, and identities. We must learn to let go of who we once thought we were, or what we once thought we could not exist without. Nature will continue to model this behavior regardless. Nature shows us that change is a gradual progression. Leaves change at the cellular level before we view their radiant fall colors. Perhaps we should follow their example. Having a beautiful idealistic concept of what healing means to you is so important. It is then the deconstruction of that plan into palatable piece that makes transformation possible. We are only human, and there is only so much we can do in a day. But there is so much we can do in a month, a year, or a lifetime. It is within these immemorable, passing moments that growth takes root. But we must first be brave enough and willing enough to accept the journey of fracturing in order to let the light in.
Ultimately, it was the very thing that broke me that reassured me I would be okay. I had never intended to lose myself so completely. And while placing your identity and self-worth anywhere other than your own heart is not something I would recommend to others; I don’t regret it. I woke up to how completely I could love. I forced myself out of my comfort zone for that love. The craziest part was that I wasn’t even looking for it. It was that particular truth, that I had not intended on finding that temporary piece that gave me the conviction that with time, I would find pieces that made me whole on my own. The entire experience led to an awakening. Now here I stand, whole on my own still searching for new pieces as I continue to outgrow others. Going on three years later I can see how all the events are intertwined and were perhaps meant to happen. I regret none of it. I am beyond grateful that this intricate twisting journey afforded me the opportunity (to paraphrase Gloria Anzaldúa) to be my own light in the darkness. I recount these stories with the hope that they can make change. I hope they light a spark of strength within each individual, allowing you to embark on your own journey of self-healing and growth.