One Year Later. Thank You, Dr. Ford.

“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”

— Eleanor Roosevelt

Dr. Christine Blasey Ford, a wife, mother, research psychologist and professor from California, is an American heroine. One year ago today, after thirty-six years of holding onto the secret that changed her life forever, she shared her story. And she touched the hearts of so many who have survived trauma, too.

You know those days, events or times in history when you clearly remember where you were or what you were doing when you first heard about something that changed your life or the world forever? Many, for instance, can recall the moment they learned about the horrific events of 9/11 with brilliant clarity. These recollections are what psychologists often refer to as “flashbulb memories”, which seem to stay imprinted in our minds for the rest of our lives. The moment I heard about Dr. Ford’s story, I knew I would hold it in my heart forever.

“I am here today not because I want to be. I am terrified.”

These words were the first spoken by Dr. Ford the day she testified about sexual assault allegations against then-U.S. Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh. They were teenagers in the summer of 1982 when Dr. Ford feared Kavanaugh was going to rape her as he put one of his hands over her mouth to prevent her from screaming while tearing her clothes off with the other.

“I thought it was my civic duty to relay the information I had about Mr. Kavanaugh’s conduct so that those considering his potential nomination would know about the assault… This was an extremely hard thing for me to do, but I felt I couldn’t NOT do it.”

When Dr. Ford first heard that Kavanaugh was nominated for one of the highest judicial positions in the nation, she was triggered. She was brought back to memories of him, recollections of the event that haunted her every day since, and she could not let her silence remain. She felt drawn to protect our country, for all of our daughters and friends and loved ones, and especially for every survivor of violence and abuse.

“Brett’s assault on me drastically altered my life. For a very long time, I was too afraid and ashamed to tell anyone the details… I tried to convince myself that because Brett did not rape me, I should be able to move on and just pretend that it had never happened.”

This past year, I have thought about Dr. Ford every day — just as other survivors probably have, too. Her strength and bravery inspired her to do something most cannot imagine doing, and she did so with immense compassion and grace. She did it for the good of our country. And she did it for all of the victims who have held onto their secrets and heavy hearts for what often feels like time’s eternity, in a way empathizing with onlookers’ own experiences, empowering many to unravel their disquieting memories and admirably consider telling their stories to help others heal.

“Over the years, I told very few friends that I had this traumatic experience… I had never told the details to anyone until May 2012, during a couples counseling session. The reason this came up in counseling is that my husband and I had completed an extensive remodel of our home, and I insisted on a second front door, an idea that he and others disagreed with and could not understand. In explaining why I wanted to have a second front door, I described the assault in detail… After that May 2012 therapy session, I did my best to suppress memories of the assault because recounting the details caused me to relive the experience, and caused panic attacks and anxiety. Occasionally I would discuss the assault in individual therapy, but talking about it caused me to relive the trauma, so I tried not to think about it or discuss it.”

Dr. Ford had an even more heart-touching influence on survivors than she may ever realize. The day of her testimony, calls to sexual assault hotlines sky-rocketed. The National Sexual Assault hotline received calls that were “201% above average”. Thousands held national walkouts across the country to express support for Dr. Ford’s story. The following week, more than 1,000 people were arrested by Capitol Police while protesting against Kavanaugh’s confirmation.

Ana María Archila, one of the women who confronted Senator Jeff Flake (AZ) in the elevator video that went viral after one of the hearings, bravely described, “I had not planned to share my story. I hadn’t shared it for three decades because I wanted to protect my parents from my pain. But Christine Blasey Ford told her story to protect our country and, in solidarity with her and as a way to thank her, I decided to tell mine.”

Truly, Dr. Ford’s strength highlights the special nature of the #MeToo movement — that whenever one survivor bravely comes forward to share what is most likely the hardest thing they have ever been through with a shaky voice and heavy heart, others respond, “We believe you. We believe you because it happened to us, too.”

Her testimony also emphasized just how much more women representation in all levels of public service is needed. When Dr. Ford testified to the Senate, she addressed seventeen male Senators and only four female Senators. She was ridiculed by the media, skeptics both within and outside of government, and our very own president.

“Apart from the assault itself, these last couple of weeks have been the hardest of my life. I have had to relive my trauma in front of the entire world, and have seen my life picked apart by people on television, in the media, and in this body who have never met me or spoken with me.”

One aspect Dr. Ford was continually questioned over was her memory of the event. Chillingly, she expressed that her most vivid recollection was “...the uproarious laughter… and their having fun at my expense” (“they” referring to Kavanaugh and Mark Judge, a friend of Kavanaugh’s in high school).

A writer for Buzzfeed honorably expressed shortly after the hearings, “...women are largely not considered reliable narrators of their own experiences, bodies, memories, and relationships, and [the bar] remains impossibly high for a woman to be believed.” A piece for Vox also detailed, “It was a more public version of what too many survivors still have to go through when they report assault or harassment: the shaming, the blame, the disbelief, the character assassination. And, under all of it, the fear that nothing will really change.”

“I have been accused of acting out of partisan political motives. Those who say that do not know me. I am a fiercely independent person and I am no one’s pawn. My motivation in coming forward was to provide the facts about how Mr. Kavanaugh’s actions have damaged my life, so that you can take that into serious consideration as you make your decision about how to proceed.”

Yet, what many critics fail to understand about trauma is how it can create lapses in memory. The most central parts of the event, such as the assault and perpetrator, tend to be the clearest memories, however. And Dr. Ford continuously expressed that she is “100%” certain that Kavanaugh was the one who assaulted her.

“It is not my responsibility to determine whether Mr. Kavanaugh deserves to sit on the Supreme Court. My responsibility is to tell the truth.”

On October 6th, the first anniversary of Kavanaugh’s confirmation, activists, survivors and allies are planning a march in Washington, D.C. to “Reclaim the Courts” and shed light on the injustices of sexual violence. They are doing so by taking the strength, bravery and grace Dr. Ford showed the world last year under their wings and leading a movement with the message that “...it’s a lot harder to erase thousands” of inspirational women with their own stories to share.

After a violent assault, your life is never the same. And it’s hard to share your truth. But hearing other survivors’ stories is so meaningful to those who have experienced trauma. Its after-effects (post-traumatic stress disorder, anxiety, depression, suicidality among other life-altering experiences) can often feel dominating over one’s life, everyday emotions and personal relationships. Many may even feel confused by these reactions. And so relating to others’ stories can in a way validate our own, helping us feel less alone and more like we belong in a world that often seems blurry, distant and at times full of dismay.

I think trauma survivors understand each other in a way that helps create a special, unexplainable bond to one another. They understand the memory lapses, the distinct details that ruminate in your mind and the immense fear that you will not be believed. And these are all things that Dr. Ford was scorned over, making her and every other victim’s biggest apprehensions and worries true. Yet, she responded to such hatred with true generosity and love — something I think so many of her critics were lacking towards her during the trial.

Just because Dr. Ford stood in front of the world on her own, doesn’t mean she was alone. She had the support, respect and gratitude of so many, both survivors and allies, who believed her. And after returning to her story countless times over the past year, one poem seems to fit Dr. Ford, who is now one of my most admired heroines, so perfectly it’s as if it was intentionally written for her…

“What tried to deem her powerless only gave her that much strength to show up with an all-new courage, stronger than she’s ever been.” — Morgan Harper Nichols

“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”

— Eleanor Roosevelt

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